from three to four {asher's response}

They say there are 5 stages to grief.

Denial - Bargaining - Anger - Sadness - Acceptance

When Hadley joined our family, Drew and I felt elation, joy, anticipation of what was to come, happiness as the pinnacle of pregnancy became reality.

When Hadley joined our family, Asher felt...sad.  There's really no other word for it.  His world suddenly {despite all our attempts at preparing him} changed - in a bad way.  Over the past 2 months he's grieved for our former family of three - the family where he was the star of the show and mommy and daddy's only focus.

Denial

From the moment Asher came to visit Hadley and I in the hospital he wanted nothing to do with her.  He refused to sit on the bed with us and didn't want to hold her or even be held near her.

I chalked it up to the hospital being a weird environment, but hoped that once we got home Asher would be more receptive to his sister.  He wasn't.

Asher still didn't want to be near her or even talk about her being in our family now.  When asked about his sister he'd just duck his head and refuse to say anything.

Bargaining

During this time of ignoring her I was pretty fine with it.  I half expected Asher to do this since all through my pregnancy he refused to acknowledge anything I said about the baby in my belly or his little sister that was coming.  Some kids get super excited about babies and he. was. not.  The good news was he wasn't mean to her and that was my main concern.

After a week or so, our grandparent help headed home, Drew went back to work, and Asher realized this baby wasn't only here full time, she was also seriously cutting into his mommy time.  There was more than one time when she'd be crying and he'd tell me "no baby, mommy - play with Asher."  Honestly, it killed me not to be able to simply play with him like we used to.

At this time Asher was willing to hold her once or twice, but each time afterward he'd demand she be put down right away.  I thought we were making progress, but in retrospect it seems more like he was hoping she'd go away if he conceded to our requests that he hold/kiss/talk to Hadley.

Anger

Naturally, Asher got mad at all of us for a time.  He acted out more and refused to cooperate.  Some of this I attributed to him being almost 3, but I know that some of it was also because of the baby.  One of the biggest places I saw his anger and desire to control things was in his eating.  Asher has always been a reluctant eater, but it took a major nosedive the past few weeks.  He would still eat his couple favorite foods, but started refusing to try new things.  In his heart he's a sweet boy who wants to be obedient and helpful, so this stage didn't last long at all.  He still has 3 year old moments, but for the most part he's back to his normal, kind self.

Sadness

This has been the hardest one for me.

I remember one time in particular.  I was nursing Hadley in the rocking chair and Asher came in the room, hugged my legs tightly and said "I miss you sooo much, mommy."  I quietly told him that I loved him very much, which was all I could get out before breaking into tears.  Drew was there and gently took Asher to play since I was crying {well, sobbing} and didn't want Ash to see all of that.

He missed me.  He wasn't mad, he wasn't mean or a bad big brother, he was just a sad little boy who missed his mama.

There were other times when I was alone with the 2 kids that I saw his grief come out.  One night at dinner Hadley was asleep in the pack 'n play while Asher and I ate together.  We were talking and singing and generally having a fun time when H started to cry and I got up to get her.  When I brought her back to the table with me Asher's face fell.  He didn't want anything else to eat and just looked so - sad.  He never cried, but he was sad.  Just typing this makes me tear up.  My precious boy was temporarily heartbroken and it broke my heart too.

I know a lot of people would say that things change and he needed to just get over it, but the fact is he's just a little boy.  As a stay-at-home mom he had me 24/7 for the past 3 years.  He hadn't done anything differently, yet I'd changed the rules on him.

Acceptance

I know this post has been a bit of a downer, but here's the good part - we're at this stage of acceptance most days.  :-)

Over the past few weeks I've noticed subtle, but HUGE changes in Asher's attitude towards Hadley.

He will say hello and good-bye to her.
He will tell you her name and say she's his sister.
He's anxious to help with her - will get her pacifier, offer her toys, cover her with her blanket

He gave her an unprompted kiss.  :-)

When A got up from his nap the other day his first words were, "Where's Hadley?  Hadley, where arrrre you?"

He expects her to be here and worries when she's missing.

Asher has not only accepted his sister's permanence in our family, he's falling in love with her.

This hasn't been an easy transition for Asher and that made it extremely hard for me.  There were many times I felt guilty for having Hadley and rocking Asher's world in such a huge way.  Despite this, I knew then and know now that having a sibling will be so great for A.

If you're reading now and expecting baby #2 please don't be overwhelmed or worried.  Every kid is different and even if yours is exactly like Asher, remember, it's only been 10 weeks since Hadley was born and we're already gearing up towards him being the president of her fan club!

There are a few things I did to help Asher through this hard time.  For one, Drew and I made a point of ensuring there was solo mommy-Asher time every day.  No babies allowed.  :-)  Another thing I did was try to keep from inadvertently blaming H when I wasn't available {i.e. - I can't come because I need to feed/change/rock the baby}.  Asher was already ambivalent about the value Hadley added to our family, I saw no need to fan the flames of rivalry.

There may have been some sad and confusing feelings that my sweet Asher went through, but on the other side of this comes a lifetime of love and a brother-sister bond I hope nothing can challenge.  We all love Hadley and are so glad she's in our family!

{How am I handling the change from 1 kid to 2?  More to come...}